We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
