I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
