Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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