I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
