bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Drunk is a universal language darling
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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