Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
