if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
