next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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