Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How does one acquire holy water?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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