Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
