In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
