I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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