So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
