fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
