He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
