i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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