just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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