i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
