She went from zero to smokin in five shots
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
