I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
