just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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