I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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