brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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