So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
