She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The struggles of a small town man whore
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
