I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
