You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
