I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
