He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
