i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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