I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
