I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
