I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
