any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
