I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
