i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
