I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
