You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
