Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
