HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
