Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
you had me at cake vodka
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
