the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
