I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
