Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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