I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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