the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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