Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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