please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
