All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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