apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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