You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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