i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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