Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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