he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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